Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. ~M. Kathleen Casey

If you're going through hell, keep going. ~Winston Churchill

The only thing that overcomes hard luck is hard work. ~Harry Golden


If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it round. Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't embrace trouble; that's as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for you'll see a lot of it and had better be on speaking terms with it. ~Oliver Wendell Holmes


Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. ~Garth Brooks

Birds sing after a storm; why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever remains to them? ~Rose F. Kennedy

You have come into a hard world. I know of only one easy place in it, and that is the grave. ~Henry Ward Beecher

We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. ~Kenji Miyazawa

You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you. ~Walt Disney

When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful. ~Barbara Bloom

If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it. ~Mary Engelbreit

08/08/11

I went to go see my therapist today, and we discussed more things that i've believing that AREN'T true. First thing we discussed was the fact that I always say to myself in certain situations, "OH I CAN'T DO THAT" "I COULD NEVER DO THAT" the reasoning behind it because i'm scared of failing, thinking "FAILING WOULD BE HORRIBLE". He then made me think, well how is it affecting my life. First off I'm living in fear, so me holding back just makes that fear bigger. Also I'm living with stress and i'm making myself uneasy and scared! I'm holding myself from experiencing things. We then decided to turn that statement around the "OH I CAN'T DO THIS" to "I CAN DO THIS" and the "FAIlING WOULD BE HORRIBLE" to "FAILING WOULD BE THE BEST THING FOR ME". If we were to take the statment "FAILING WOULD BE HORRIBLE" out of my life how would it change my life? Well it would make life easier! I would live in stress free, at ease. I would try more things, and not be scared of failing. Failing would become easier and it would make the next failure less of a big deal! I would gain experience from failing, i would also learn about what works and what doesn't work for me. Failing would be the best thing to happen to me! He told me i've believing something completely untrue, and when reality is one thing and our minds lie about it, we cause ourselves pain, because we are fighting against it!

We also discussed my fear of flirting or my relationships with men. I think to myself "I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH" this is stopping me from pursuing relationships with men, and from showing and sharing my entire self to the world. In my therapist words "You've been robbing us from the real Esp!" And i know that, i don't put myself all the way out there with the fear of thinking they might not think i'm good enough. We decided to turn that statement around "I AM GOOD ENOUGH." And we thought about how that would change my life, removing the statement of "I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH." I would live in less fear of being rejected. I would that fear and stress would be gone! I would feel confident and i wouldn't care what people thought, because I would know that I'M GOOD ENOUGH!

Aug 2,2011

I never seem to write in diaries anymore, i'll use this as my diary. I guess I had forgotten how great it felt to write your thoughts and feelings down. I was reminded of the process by reading my past diaries. These diaries are from when I was 9 to about 15, but what I noticed about those early entries, mostly the ones from when I was 9, was the simplicity of it all. I think I've forgotten to live life without letting the small rejections, road blocks, and just reality get to me. I didn't twist reality into this whole falsified world in my head, I took a failure or rejection and brushed it off and put it behind me, and looked ahead to the next fun thing to do. This skill is what i have lost along these years. I've gotten caught up in caring about what people think and how they perceive me, that i hold myself back from saying or doing the things i want or trying anything! I should really be focusing on what i think and asking myself what is really true? I am a very bright, attractive, sweet young woman with all the possibilities in the world waiting for me. But this swallowing problem of mine, feels like it has gotten to me. It feels like I can never get back to normal again, but I have to tell myself the truth. I CAN swallow, I did it for 19 years of my life no problem. I made it to 19 years! If I did it once, there is no possible way I can't do it again! What makes me think I can't do it again? Only I am stopping myself, I can get back there! There's going to be challenges along the way, but that the only way I will get stronger. I'm just finding my strength, the strength i though i never had. I've started the journey of find and showing myself the strength within me. Now everytime I'm feeling down because of this problem i have, I will look back and read this. I must not forget my own words! I pray to god that I can get through this!

I'm pretty! and I shouldn't be afraid of admitting it! I shouldn't be scared of what people think, like i'm too stuck up and what not. I'm sick and tired of putting myself down in my own head. I need to start recognizing the value i have! I'm very pretty, i'm funny, friendly, and i have alot to offer the world. What i think of myself is all that matters!

So I haven't written thing in a while. It's been years really!
I need to start writing in here again, i heard that writing helps you heal, it helps you vent as well so that you can move forward. Lets you get all those feeling and thoughts out of your head.

Right now, I'm only thinking about me! My well being, nothing but ME ME ME! Being selfish for the right reasons. For a little over a year I've been struggling with swallowing food and liquids. I lost about 15 pounds because of this. I've been seeing a psychologist for about 3 months, and I've learned alot of myself and the way i've been thinking, that i didn't know i was harming myself with. Although my eating problems still continue, I have hope that one day i will overcome this. It;s been hard though because I can't eat in resturants or round people because i get nervous they will think its gross the way i eat. Because the only way i can swallow by chewing, taking a drink of somesort and spitting out into the cup and swallowing. I don't know why this is the only way i can eat, but this is why i'm self concisous eating around people. But i know i will overcome this its just going to be a slow process, it took years to get to this point, so it might take years to get back to the point i was before.

Incomplete

"I tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete"

i'll always love you....